Rinse, Wash, Repeat:
Of course that’s not right, but that’s how my mind works now.
I didn’t realize for quite a while that I didn’t have it right. I thought it was, but then I realized, it’s wash, rinse, repeat.
But that’s part of the problem. I don’t do things in order or at least it takes a long time for me to do things “correctly”. I have problems doing basic things in life that most people take for granted.
For instance, I now have to spend at least an hour or more getting ready to go to the grocery. It used to take me 10 to 20 minutes to gather coupons, go through grocery ads, and figure out what we needed from the store. Now, I avoid going to the grocery store, and wait till the point that we are completely out of cheese, milk, cereal etc. At that point, I have a hard time figuring out what coupons we need, where the best deal is, and what we need from the store. It creates a huge amount of stress.
I think that’s why I tend to find comfort in my car. Yes. I find COMFORT sitting in my car. I’m not sure why. I guess, it’s because it feels like I’m going to do something productive. It might be because after a certain period of time elapses, I end up going somewhere and that tends to make me feel or believe that I have done something.
There are many days where I find myself sitting in my car with no true understanding of what I’m going to do next. I’m not sure where I’m going to go or even if I need to go anywhere at all, but at least I’m DOING something. Right?
Sometimes, I will end up sitting in my car for 15 or 20 minutes not sure where I need to go or what I need to do. Or I find myself sitting in my car trying to organize or complete the things I should have done while I was inside my house but forgot to do or was too distracted to do.
I wish I knew why the inside of my car feels so comforting, like a security blanket.
I’m guessing that part of the comfort is because there are so few distractions when I’m in there. There aren’t any kids, no puppy, no phone calls, no T.V. There is the radio, but I can not listen to it. It’s too much of a distraction. I can’t handle the noise. (Try explaining that to your 16 year old son.) I think that’s why I like being in the car. It has become a quiet place for me, a sanctuary.
Not being able to listen to the radio any more is heartbreaking to me because it was something I loved to do, but now I find it takes all of my attention to drive to somewhere or to remember little things like refill my prescriptions, or pay a bill, or go to work.
I hate how things get pushed around, and how I can’t get as much done as I used to. It makes me feel like I’m lazy. I’m not, but because it takes so MUCH more energy to do basic every day things, that I avoid doing them all together. I find that I avoid tasks like writing letters, mailing letters, calling the pharmacy or doctors office, or the insurance company, or even talking to my friends.
I will actually forget to call my friends and family, which has come with a price. I have begun to experience an unintentional detachment
The simple things are no longer easy and the difficult things seem impossible. It truly is for me; rinse, wash, repeat.