Fate:
You are not supposed to talk about it. You aren’t supposed to ask, but I am. Why?
I truly don’t understand, and I don’t have an answer, but I find myself asking more and more, WHY?
Was I on the wrong path in life? Is there a reason behind what I’ve gone through in the past year? Was there something I was supposed to do or something that I was doing that made a higher power intervene?
I do not understand, and it eats at me each day. Why?
I finally had an answer to 8 years of ill health. The door had opened to me. I had an answer AND a solution.
I was going to have to live with endometriosis for the next 10-12 years, but I could do that, and by removing the pituitary microadenoma, I was going to stop the deterioration in my health. I couldn’t reverse the autoimmune issues, but they were mild compared to most with the same problems. It was truly an aspirin a day that would prevent major complications to Anti-phospolipid syndrome, as well as monitoring.
I am not exaggerating when I say the door was opening. Even my scleroderma antibody elevations had returned to normal. This lifted the fear that my health would continue to deteriorate from that.
I was ready and seated to take the MCAT after spending over 12 months of long hours of preparation, sometimes studying up to 12 to 14 hours a day on my days off. After finally having answers for my health issues, with having the knowledge that everything would be fixed, I KNEW I could do it. I KNEW I could reach the goal, and I was ready.
So, WHY? Why did this happen? Why was it when things finally looked their brightest did I develop brain damage?
Why have all of the doors not only slammed shut, but I have become trapped in this freaking cage. Not only is the vision of becoming a doctor fading and the reality of each day brings the realization that I have very little chance of ever meeting it, but even working my current job and living every day life has become a struggle. From the fights that I have with my family, from the loss of being able to enjoy simple things like Sudoku or crossword puzzles, each day holds challenges that I NEVER expected to face in my life. I never thought this would be me? I don’t think I could ever imagine such a horrible fate.
And so now, I am asking, WHY? I know, I shouldn’t. I know I should be so very grateful for what I have. I should be counting my blessings that I am not paralyzed, that I can do the things that I can do. I KNOW I should be thankful, but I am not. I am and I am not.
I have to say truly that my heart aches from it each day, the battle of knowing I should be grateful and the heart wrenching fact that I am not the same person I was 14 months ago, and I am depressed about it. I am so horribly, horribly depressed about it.
I haven’t stepped inside a church for years. But yesterday, I stepped inside the church I attended from infancy through graduation from high school in order to attend my niece’s baptism. I faced my parish priest that I hadn’t seen in over 5 years. He looked at me with his piercing blue eyes and asked, How are you? My eyes immediately started welling with tears, and I could not choke out a response. He asked, Are you doing okay, and I semi-shrugged and shook my head, No, but it could be worse. I am very lucky.
How could I explain to this person in a few words that everything I’ve struggled to live for in the past 8 years has evaporated, and that I have no idea as to why, and I don’t know how I can accept this new me. How could I explain that I am terrified from the realization that I am only 35, and I have the memory of a 60 year old person with Alzheimer’s? What is going to happen to me when I am 60?
How can I explain it kills me with embarrassment to face people that I have worked with for five to ten years, and I can’t remember their name? Or that people constantly make comments about or question my integrity? How there is nothing more that I would rather do than forget that this has ever happened to me and just get back to normal?
To look in his clear blue eyes and know that being back home is a safe zone, to stand in front of this man, and know without question that he BELIEVES everything I say because he knows who I am and what I stand for…period. The relief that I got from that moment gave me strength and walking away from it gave me the realization that I MISS that safety, the safe zone. I spent two hours around people that know and love me unconditionally and that make me feel normal even when I’m not. It made me realize how much I need that and crave that.
Is that why? Is that why this happened to me? To get a better understanding of what my family means to me?
Was it to put into perspective how I am missing so many important things in my life?
Was it a way to show that I am not on the right path in life? That I should be doing something else with my life? Is this Fate intervening?
I don’t know. I really don’t know, why.
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