Foreword: I wrote this a few days ago, and I think it gives a pretty accurate description of how frustrating it is to have a brain injury. I wish I had more answers as to what to do for it. Hopefully, as time goes on, there will be more answers, more treatments, more ability to have a normal life or better recovery.
It gives me strength to know that I’m not alone in this. I think it’s important to let you know that even though you might have lived past an injury that they thought you would not survive, even though you are grateful for your life, it doesn’t mean that you don’t grieve over the way your life was.
I don’t know what’s going to happen in my life. It has already changed TREMENDOUSLY. The biggest issues that I have is with the way I think, how I act, not being able to live my life like the way it was, but this might be as GOOD as it gets, and that is extremely SCARY.
I was right. My occupational therapist said that those who suffer brain injuries can have their brains turn to MUSH. Ok, she didn’t use the word, mush, but that’s pretty much what happens. (She thought that was ridiculous before, but she went to a conference and they acknowledged that it was happening.) The brain calcifies. It can take a few years up to 40. In autopsy, they removed the brain of someone with CPM, and their brain CRUMBLED in their hands.
I’m 35. I have two kids. I wanted to be a doctor, and that was a realistic possibility, and now I’m stuck working about 12-16 hours a week taking sales calls. I have TRIED to pick up my textbooks. I have TRIED meeting with my MCAT study partner. It doesn’t work. My mind doesn’t work. It’s like throwing cooked spaghetti at a wall. It might stick for a few seconds, maybe a few minutes, but then it’s gone.
I want to get better! I want to be back to normal.
It’s exhausting trying, over and over and over. I find comfort in the things that I do remember. I remembered an appointment, and that gives me false confidence that things are better or that I’m better than I am, and so I think, I don’t really need to write this down. I’ll remember it. Or I won’t need to create a reminder on my phone to pick my prescriptions, I’ll be driving by the pharmacy and that will cause me to remember. That’s how it used to be. Everything, would just fall into place as I did something. I would be able to organize things in my mind, as simply as one puts the pieces of a puzzle together. It was so easy.
It does bother me that the other day I could not remember how old I am. I could not. It bothers me that I don’t realize I bought the same video game from three different places in a 24 hour period.
I don’t want o be like this for the rest of my life. I’ve always been a survivor. I’ve always been able to overcome obstacles. I have lived through SO much: physical, mental, emotional abuse, sexual assaults, long term illness (when they couldn’t figure out why). I’ve worked through it all. I’ve lived through it all. I’ve overcome it all, and just as I was beginning to think I had the possibility that it was going to be better (pituitary tumor removed), I was mistreated and ended up with brain damage. And now, to face the possibility that after losing my mental abilities and that now I face years of losing my mental abilities over the course of 5 to 10 years or longer until I die, until my brain turns to mush.
I am extremely tired of having to deal with the brain injury, of having to make adjustments to my life. I HATE not being me. I hate that I have to make notes to get things done. I hate that I can’t remember if I’ve taken my medications or not, or that I forget to call a prescription in, or that I didn’t fill the prescription box correctly. I hate the side effects that I get from the medications. I hate that they don’t fix the problem. I hate that I have people question my integrity when they don’t know who I am or how much I’ve accomplished and Lived through. I hate that I have to walk into work and feel like a slacker because I’m not able to work 30,40, 60, 80 hours a week. I hate that I watch the same shows over and over again and that I remember the faces but I don’t remember the story.
I hate the stress. I hate the fatigue. I hate that I have to go through this. It’s not fair. It’s not right, and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what I can do about it.
I don’t want to live the rest of my life having other people take care of me. I don’t want to live the rest of my life dependent on medications, physical or occupational therapy. I want to be 35, and live the life of a 35 year old. I want to go back to school. I want to get into medical school. I want to be a doctor. I want to be the strong, independent person I was before the brain injury.
What do you do when what you want to do, who you want to be, is no longer what you can do or can be?
I am not sure what to do next, and I’m trying to be happy with what I have, but I’m not. There is a hole in me that’s so BIG, the disappointment is so tangible, the grief is so pungent, that I feel lost. What do I do next?
- Imaging Shows Some Brains Compensate after Traumatic Injury (sacbee.com)
- The Brain Injury Attorneys at De Caro & Kaplen, LLP, Reach Out to the Public with Important Information about Traumatic Brain Injury (prweb.com)
- Harch Hyperbaric Institute, Inc. Receives $25,000.00 to Treat Veterans with TBI using Hyperbaric Oxygen (prweb.com)
- Devising Solutions for Traumatic Brain Injury: Interview with Dr. Michael Whalen, MD PhD (medgadget.com)
- Study Links Single Occurrence of Traumatic Brain Injury to Alzheimer’s (prweb.com)