Well folks, there are those days that make you stop and wonder why you couldn’t have been born a Romney.
It’s amazing for me to think that I should be one of the 1 billion people in the world that should have everything handed to me on a silver platter, but I wonder why I wasn’t.
I don’t know where this sense of entitlement originated. My parents were poor. I never had extravagant things growing up. I was happy until the age of 15 wearing my cousin’s hand me down clothing.
After that point, I wasn’t happy with anything. I was a teenager.
So, why is it today I feel an absolute sense of envy of all of those people I believe have more than me or who have never struggled. Is it human nature? Is it me?
Today, I got the news that my younger cousin is graduating from medical school. I am extremely proud of her. She’s always worked really hard. She is smart, beautiful talented, but I have this OVERWHELMING sense of envy.
I’ve wanted to go to medical school for the past 8 years, not because of the lucrative income, but because I’ve wanted to make people BETTER.
I’ve wanted it more than anything. I’ve worked HARD to try to get it over the past 7 years, and just when it seems like I was going to make it, I was given EPM.
I went back to school full time, worked full time, while taking care of my family just so that I could become a doctor.
I took out TONS in student loans, sacrificing vacations, time with my family and developing friendships, with the goal to become a doctor. I wanted to make a difference in people’s lives.
Last June, I was scheduled to take the MCAT. I was facing the prospect of FINALLY making it, then I was told that I had a pituitary tumor that needed to be removed.
The pituitary tumor was going to be the ANSWER to all of my past medical issues. It really answered everything, and once I had it taken out, there would be nothing stopping me. I would regain some of my health and within a few months I would be able to take the MCAT.
Of course, I knew that by removing the pituitary tumor, I wouldn’t gain absolute perfect health. I still have ongoing issues with autoimmune problems (caused by Cushing’s Disease), but I’ve always been able to work through my going health issues to do what I need to do. My health wouldn’t get worse.
All of this has changed when I developed EPM.
I am still working towards the goal of getting into medical school, but now that goal seems ridiculous, and this time I feel like I might not be able to recover to the point of where I was before.
I struggle with working 5 hour shifts at my current job, working less than 20 hours a week! If I struggle with working my current job, then how am I going to make it through medical school and residency. I don’t know, and it’s so distressing to realize that this dream is fading from my life.
I try to push the negative doubting from my mind each day, but any time I really think about it, I know that I’m climbing a mountain of ice while wearing roller skates.
Still, I’m pushing blindly forward with my goal, but I know what I’m facing, and I don’t know how I’m going to overcome these odds.
Because of this, I’m drinking away my sorrows tonight. I know that this isn’t going to solve anything, of course, but today it seems like everything I’ve worked towards in the past 7 years has been washed away, and I’m looking at a vast empty space.
(Let me clarify this: I don’t drink alcohol. I get sick if I do, so by saying I’m drinking away my sorrows, I mean I’m having a beer. Yeah, I know…it’s pretty pathetic, but maybe it will help me to feel better.)
I am wallowing in self pity, and I’m wondering; WHY? Why is it that I face such adversity in my life? It ISN’T FAIR!!!
I grew up impoverished, with an abusive, alcoholic father and a victimized mother. I was assaulted when I was 18 and became a single parent. I was in an unfortunate relationship when I was 22 and placed another child for adoption. I found and loved the person I believed was my soul mate, but he died suddenly. After years of handling everything on my own, I found my significant other, but our relationship has been anything but perfect, and after overcoming all of those obstacles, I became ill. Once I get the answer as to why I’ve been sick for so long and have a possible treatment, the surgery for it leads (through the incorrect treatment of hyponatremia) to my developing possible permanent brain damage. Instead of getting better, I become significantly disabled. LIFE ISN’T FAIR!! My life isn’t fair.
WHY THE F__K DO THESE HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN TO ME? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS LIFE?
Just when everything felt like it was about to fall into place, my life was turned completely upside down.
The only good thing about getting knocked down so many times, is that you’re an expert at getting back up; however it’s never easy.
Tonight, is one of those days when I’m stumbling back down.
I love my cousin, and I’m happy for her success, but I have to stop and wonder; Why can’t I ever get a break?
Am I so far off course in my life that God has no choice but to slam me to the ground every chance He gets?
I wish I had the answer to that.
I should be celebrating my cousin’s success, but instead I’m wiping away tears and drinking away my sorrows. (AND I CAN’T EVEN REALLY DRINK AWAY MY SORROWS BECAUSE ALCOHOL MAKES ME SICK…isn’t that pathetic…)
I hope this finds you in better health than me, and in a position of less envy. Cheers!
- How to Study for the MCAT (answers.com)
- Improving Your MCAT VR Score – Part 4 – Tips and Tricks (theherocomplex.com)
- MCAT Verbal Reasoning (theherocomplex.com)
- Day 18 of the Cushing’s Awareness Challenge: Fiona Apple may just have it right… (survivethejourney.blogspot.com)