About to Explode:
I haven’t posted in awhile, and that’s mostly because I didn’t know exactly what to say.
I guess, I should have gone through previous posts to determine what I could expand upon, etc, but honestly the thought never even crossed my mind.
And, I guess that’s the point. In the past few weeks, nothing seems to be cross my mind. It’s been a blank canvas of nothingness.
I’ve tried to express that experience to my cognitive therapist and the counselor that I see, but I don’t think either one of them has quite understood exactly what I’m talking about.
How could they? I’m not even sure what I mean.
My cognitive therapist thinks I’m in some sort of depression, but I’ve scoffed at that idea. Me, depressed? I get up. I get dressed. I do the things that I normally do. How could I be depressed?
Am I depressed?
I don’t know, but that’s it, right now, I don’t know anything.
It’s like someone plopped me into the ocean without any sense of direction.
I’m floating along with no idea as to what to do, and little desire to do anything.
The people that I’ve enlisted to help me, I don’t feel like they’re really helping me. Maybe that’s not a fair statement.
Maybe it’s that I don’t want to listen to the advice that they are giving me.
So, you’re probably wondering, what the Hell am I talking about?
Since my injury, my mind has been blank. I have had huge issues with figuring what it is that I’m supposed to be doing. Really, each morning I wake up, and it’s like a blank. I don’t have any plan. I don’t know what’s going to happen except go to work or cognitive therapy, and this leads to me not getting anything really important done.
Before my injury, I used to be able to get SO much done each day: study, pay bills, do laundry, go to the grocery store, go to work, make phone calls, go to a doctor appointment. ALL in one day!!
Now, if I get one or two things done in a day, it’s a HUGE achievement.
I just got ANOTHER notice saying that I didn’t pay a bill. GOD, this is driving me crazy. I have things programmed in phone to let me know when I need to pay my bills. WHY, didn’t it get paid?!! Is this my error? It has to be.
I’m so frustrated. This is going to trash my credit history. I feel so overwhelmed!! I haven’t been late on my bills in YEARS!!! Now, it’s happening at least once a month.
I had an AWESOME, 750+ credit score, even after the economy collapsed. I don’t want to know what it is now.
I’m spending my money on truly stupid things, and I don’t remember doing it.
I also don’t remember things like eating. FOR REAL, I don’t remember if I ate something or didn’t eat, so I either don’t eat at all for 6 to 8 hours a day or I eat more than I should.
To make matters worse, I find myself so overwhelmed from everyday tasks that I just ignore them. I know I need to contact my student loans department, but having those conversations, dealing with sending them information, etc just gives me anxiety because I know it’s never enough. I know they’re going to want me to do MORE than what I’ve already done, which leads to more work, more time, more effort, more memory, more STRESS. So, I avoid it.
Which leads me to this: I AM READY TO EXPLODE.
I feel like it’s going to happen soon.
The pressure I feel from my cognitive therapist to do more (she wants me to do something but I can’t remember what), my therapist (who wants me to create a notebook and scripting for work), my student loan company (who wants me to send proof of my disability), my lawyer (who needs doctor’s information about my injury), my long term disability company (who needs proof that I’m still injured), my car insurance company (who needs information regarding how many hours/week I’m working), my employment attorney (who I need to reach regarding my health benefits), my employers (who think that I should be working more)…etc.
Ok, so the above seems like a good list of what I need to do, but doing those things seem SO hard. I can’t figure what to do, or what’s more important, or what each person needs, and how I can get what they want.
Don’t they understand that it’s hard enough for me just to get through each day?!! I simply can’t handle more.
Everything seems like a disorganized MESS. Plus, each of things mentioned above will lead to MORE things that need to be done. Shit, I can’t remember if I washed my hair or not or if I ate lunch or paid a bill, how am I supposed to complete all of the tasks above?
It’s about to cause me a freaking total meltdown.
So, I create distractions so that I don’t have to deal with what I should be dealing with right now. I eat up time by shopping, or playing stupid iphone games, or checking out Face Book because it’s easier than dealing with the problems that I face everyday. It’s easier to do nothing than to do something.
I wish I could create a little glass bubble where I could happily ignore everything in the world, not deal with any of the stress, nor be accountable for anything.
I think this is what drives my desire to just get in my car and drive to ANYWHERE. I can sit in my car and not think. I don’t have to think about anything when I’m driving, and I’m doing something at the same time, so I have that illusion that I’m accomplishing something. It’s relief, a distraction.
And that’s what I need more than anything because I don’t know what’s going to happen when I explode…