I’m almost at the one year point in recovery. It’s been a long year.
Part of me believes that I should be celebrating everything that I’ve accomplished and lived through in the past year. I probably shouldn’t be here, but part of me hates this “new” me. I am not the same person I was a year ago, and it’s so emotionally and physically distressing.
Frankly, I want to sit down and cry.
I’m sure my cognitive therapist, Angela, would tell me that’s depression, but I think it’s more human nature.
I’ve LOST something, and that something is HUGE. I’ve lost the direction of where my life was going, and I haven’t been able to figure out where this “new” life is taking me.
I’m not going to try to deny that my life wasn’t fantastic before my brain injury. I was sick then, and my life was incredibly hard, but I was able to live with those health issues. I was able to take baby steps towards my goals in life.
After I was told that I had the pituitary tumor and it could be removed, I had a solid belief that my life and health would get better. I wouldn’t be able to regain my 20’s, but I could LIVE through my 30’s. I could manage the illnesses, and I wouldn’t get worse from that point.
Living through my life with my prior health issues was like climbing Mount Everest. Living through my life after the brain injury is like climbing Mount Everest in roller skates.
It really feels fruitless, and in this current state of mind, I would have to agree with Angela, I am depressed….SUPER depressed.
You might be wondering, why in God‘s name are you depressed right now?? You’ve made it soooo far. You aren’t in a wheelchair. You are able to do things in your life that some people are never able to do: walk, talk, eat.
All of those things are true. On one hand, I do feel incredibly blessed, but on the other hand, I feel horribly “picked” on. Why does my burden seem so much heavier than others?
I wonder if Christopher Reeves felt the same way, or Michael J. Fox? I mean, they were both in the prime of their lives when they developed incurable, life long issues, but unlike me, they turned their health catastrophes into platforms to advance medicine for spinal cord injuries and Parkinson’s disease.
Do I dare compare my life to theirs?
I don’t know enough about either person to know if they lived through anything close to what I have, but where I’m floundering and they succeeded: they turned their lemons into lemonade.
Why can’t I?
If my goal in life was to help other people through becoming a doctor, then why I haven’t I been able to shift gears and find purpose in making hyponatremia and CPM/EPM household names? Help those with CPM/EPM and other forms of brain injuries?
I’ve spent over a month wallowing in pity, feeling more and more distressed over how my life has changed, and I would be lying if I said by the end of this post that I will spontaneously snap out of my depression and tomorrow everything will be better. I only hope that by tomorrow, I can start to develop new strategies and find help for myself that I can still help others.
All parties have to come to an end at some point, even pity parties.
- Brain Injury Awareness Month, Aphasia, Brain Injured, Marcus Rosenberger. 3/2012, this is Brain Injury Awareness Month… (realestatesavant.wordpress.com)
- Dying to play Football: (whatishyponatremia.org)